I hate waiting. I especially hate when I don't know what I'm waiting for, yet that is the season that I am in.
I know God led me to quit my teaching job. I know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, but I keep asking the question, "Now what?"
Part of why I quit was to be a stay-at-home mom again. I felt like oddly my children need me more now that they're older than they did when they were little, but talking to older moms, I found that that seems to be a common experience. While I'm enjoying the freedom of helping my children more, I keep feeling like there should be something more.
My first thought was, of course, my writing, however, I soon realized that I had a problem. When I was teaching and I wanted to market more, attend workshops, etc. I found that I had the money, but no time to do it. Now, I have the time, but no money. Which puts me in the same position only flipped.
I've had other ideas floating around - dreams, really - but something always stops me from pursuing them, like money or knowledge of how to proceed or scheduling.
And so I continue to wait. Impatiently, I might add. If I only had a clear idea of what was coming next, maybe I'd be less impatient, but probably not.
There's more though. Not only am I waiting impatiently, but I'm waiting in anxiety. What if God is having me wait because the next step, the next stage, is going to require me to leap in faith? What if He's going to ask me to do something that I feel completely unfit for? What if He's going to ask me something that I don't think I can do? It's scary to wait for who knows what! It could be anything! I'm a risk averse person by nature. I want to know what the outcome will be, but I know that faith and trust in God grows when we're put in situations where we have to step out and follow even when we don't exactly know where He's leading. Knowing that doesn't necessarily make it easier, though.
While I wait, I pray that God will calm my heart and help me to trust in Him. I pray that He will guide in such a clear way that I have no doubt that this is the path He wants me to take. I pray that - even if it's scary - I will be willing to follow knowing that He is with me. And I pray that God will use this waiting to prepare me to say yes.
Photo by Felipe Cespedes: https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-wearing-brown-shirt-inside-room-3029699/
