The End and a Beginnning

Have you ever noticed how often the end of something begins something else? Today is the end of the school year for my kids, which means it's the beginning of summer vacation. My youngest is finishing preschool which will lead to the start of her elementary school life. My oldest nephew is graduating from high school and will begin college in the fall.

So many things in life end, but start something new and wonderful. When I ended being single, I started my life as a wife. When I became a stay-at-home mom, I ended my work life (at least for a while). That decision led to my being able to have time to sit and write. And that led to me publishing my work on Kindle. And that led me to join American Christian Fiction Writers. And who knows where that will lead? Even each book I write ends, but leads to the next one. Each task I finish leads to another. Each ministry that God moves me from opens me up for another one.

I don't know about you, but I am not someone who looks forward to change. I hesitate. I drag my feet. I'm scared. I don't want to leave behind what is comfortable for the frightening unpredictability of the unknown. Yet when I look back I can see all the wonderful things that God has granted me that wouldn't be possible if something else hadn't ended.

I'm sitting on the brink right now. My husband and I have decided that it's time to for me to pay for a publishing package and put KW Consulting into print. We have the resources for the first time since I began writing. It's time for me to take the next step.

But that next step looks mighty big. I can't see beyond it. What if I can't climb that step? What if I get up there, but fall backwards? I could get hurt.

Then again, what if that step leads to another? What if moving forward in faith is the answer to my prayers about my writing? I could sit here and keep doing what I've been doing - and that will get me the same results I've always gotten. Or I could follow this new path and trust that God is going to guide me and take care of the results.

Why do I assume that when life is changing that it's going to be bad? What I'm really saying is that I don't trust God with my life, my career. I'm telling Him that I want control. I ask for His leading, and then sit where I'm at wondering why He doesn't answer when all the time the path is right there in front of me waiting for me to take that first step.

When you look through Scripture, God was undeniably present when He asked His people to step out in faith. Joshua walked around Jericho, but God brought down the walls. David had his sling, but God defeated Goliath. Daniel stayed faithful, but God closed the mouths of the lions. Peter climbed out of the boat, but God kept him from sinking. Esther went before the king to plead for the lives of her people, but God prepared the way. Over and over again we see that when God's people take the road that He has placed before them, His presence is there and miracles happen.

What is God placing in front of you that seems just too scary? Is something ending that you want to continue, and you are gripping it with both hands until your knuckles are white? Let it go. Let God take your hand and lead you to the next thing for you. Are you standing at the beginning of some journey, and you are too afraid to take that first step? Move forward and watch God take care of the things that you can't. If it is truly where He is leading, He will be there.

Comparing: Mother's Day Edition

Last fall I wrote a blog about making comparisons. A couple months ago, I did a devotion in my women's Bible study on the same topic. Apparently, God's not done with this topic yet. I fall into making comparisons so easily. I know from the feedback I've gotten from other women, that they have the same struggles. The one that hurts me the most is watching women criticize each other about the choices they make as a mother.

From the day you find out that your expecting a baby, life is filled with choices for that child. During pregnancy it's: what should I eat? What should I avoid? Can I exercise? Can I exercise too much? Which hospital? Which doctor? What about pain medication? Home birth? Midwife? Is this normal? The amount of information is overwhelming, too. Books, blogs, articles, friends, family - everyone has an opinion and sometimes it feels like no two are the same.

When the baby is born, there are new questions. Breast or bottle? Should I go back to work or stay home? What about co-sleeping? Vaccinations? And it doesn't stop as the child grows. Organic food? Fast food? Both? Is that possible? What about schooling? Home school? Private school? Public school? What about extracurricular activities? How many should I have them involved in? Which ones are the best for promoting health or intelligence or both? Honestly, it's enough to drive a woman insane.

We are inundated with information. We read, we ask, we think, we pray - and ultimately we make a decision about what we think is right for our family. We develop opinions that we deeply believe in. Then we look at other moms and *gasp* they aren't doing things exactly like we are! How could they choose any differently? After all, we've done the research. We prayed about the decision. Don't they know that they will ruin their children's lives if they do it that way?

The bottom line is this. Most moms want what is best for their families. Most moms are doing the best they can day in and day out.Most moms simply want their children to be healthy and happy, and they are doing what they can to achieve that goal. Yes, they've probably done the research, too, but they have a different background, a different perspective - a different child, and that led them to a different conclusion.

When my first child was born, I started as an on-demand feeder. I fed her whenever she seemed hungry, yet when I took her in for her doctor's appointment, she wasn't gaining weight. My family for some reason has difficulty producing breast milk. I never had a surplus. I never had the ability to pump and have stored milk in the fridge. The doctor told me that she was grazing and by doing that she wasn't allowing my milk to come in fully and therefore she wasn't getting the best nutrition. She advised that I wait at least two hours between feedings. So I did, and my baby was healthier after I became a timed feeder. Yet, I know that were moms who felt I was terrible for making my baby wait. They'd hear me tell her that it wasn't time yet, and they'd give me looks of disgust. What a horrible mother! They didn't understand my history, my situation. I was just trying to do what was best for my child - just like they were.

My friend once loaned me a book called, Help! I'm Being Intimidated by the Proverbs 31 Woman! by Nancy Kennedy. In it, she decides to become the Proverbs 31 woman one verse at a time - with hilarious results. The end result is that we all are trying so hard to be the wife, the mother, the woman we know we need to be, and God gives us grace for the mistakes we're bound to make. What did the "virtuous woman" do? She took care of her husband, fed her family, worked, tended to her family's needs, supported her husband, gave to the needy, prepared for the future, feared the Lord. Isn't that what we're all trying to do? If God can give us grace as we struggle through this life, can't we offer grace to one another?

A Timely Bible Study

Sometimes it "just so happens" that you start a Bible study that seems to have been written specifically for you to help with the particular time of life you are in. Those are the moments that I stand amazed that God cares enough about me to orchestrate even such a small detail of my life. I took an Old Testament class in college (I always forget if it was in Ruth or Esther), but my teacher said that the phrasing in the Hebrew is like saying, "Now it just so happened that it just so happened . . ." meaning obviously that it didn't "just so happen", but had been arranged by God. Those instances where I can clearly see God arranging for things to happen just blow my mind.

In my church we have a large women's Bible study group that meets from September until November and then January until March or April. Then there are Bible studies offered during the summer, but they are usually much smaller groups since people are on vacation or busy with other ministries or some other reason. This year we finished in March and then in April they began to study Jonah by Priscilla Shirer. My sister asked me if I was going to do it and I decided to go ahead (although it sneaked up on me and I was not mentally prepared for the first week). I am so glad I decided to do this study. I didn't know how badly I needed it.

She starts off by talking about the "interrupted life" - those times where everything is going just fine, but then all of a sudden something happens and you now have something to handle that you didn't see coming. Jonah was a prophet to Israel and he was comfortable with his life there. Then God decides to send him to Ninevah.

My life was going just fine. Then my dad and my grandpa came down with health problems - severe health problems. I already talked about what happened to both of them in my last blog, so I won't restate it now, but it hit me out of nowhere. And the timing was certainly not what I would have picked. I'm getting ready for VBS. The kids have a million end of year activities. Life is too busy, too complicated already. Yet, here we are.

How do I deal with these interruptions? Do I run away? Pretend they aren't there? Trudge forward, but grumble to myself? Or do I lean on God and follow where He leads? Honestly, I always wish I could just tuck my head in my shell and wait for the storm to pass, but that's not practical. At times, I've outwardly obeyed, but inwardly I'm grumbling and complaining. And when I do go forward how often do I pull back against where God is leading, because of fear? Much too often, I'm afraid.

In the lesson I worked on yesterday, she talked about how in chapter 3 when Jonah is sent to Ninevah the second time, God didn't lay everything out in front of Jonah. He was told to go, and then wait for what God would tell him later. I so badly want to know everything before I step forward in obedience. It hit me that if I had known what we were going to be going through in this season of life, it would have been overwhelming. It would have been so discouraging to get all that information at once. Instead, God let us only know what was necessary at the time.

In my journey as a writer I can see where this happens, too. If I had known that after writing six books, I would still be unpublished (self-published), I'm not sure I would have even begun. Last month, I sold one book - one - the whole month! It can feel like I'm working hard, but going nowhere. Yet, I know that God has put these stories on my mind and the opportunity to pursue writing. It just doesn't happen in my time. To be honest, it may never look like what I picture it being. But God only gives me a little bit at a time and asks that I follow Him in faith that He has a plan for me.

Right now, that plan has included a new chapter. I joined the American Christian Fiction Writers. It's a group where published writers and unpublished writers come alongside one another to teach and encourage each other. I've joined an email loop of courses to learn more about writing and publishing. This month I'm learning about using Facebook, a course I desperately need. I'm looking forward to seeing where this leads me.

Another possible step that I've been discussing with my husband is publishing the KW Consulting series as an anthology in print! That would be huge! I have to admit, that step sort of scares me, but it might be an option now where it never was before.

God is guiding and directing, and though I only get to see small bits and pieces of the big picture, I'm excited to see where He is leading. I know that wherever He leads is where I'm supposed to be.

** An update for those of you who have been praying for my family, my dad is doing very well. He will have a CT scan sometime next week to see how things are looking internally. My grandpa had his surgery today and the cancer was contained to the kidney and they don't expect complications. Please pray for his recovery. We still don't know long term what we will be looking at.

A Lengthy Absence

My posts have been non-existent lately. I'm so out of it that even sitting here right now, I'm staring at my screen and my mind is blank. I wanted to update you on what's been going on, why I've been so negligent. Yet my brain feels drained. Life took an unexpected turn (or several) and I feel like I'm sort of muddling through the best I can right now. So here's what's been going on. 

It started with a good thing. My family used spring break to get away and take a vacation. We took our kids and my mother-in-law and father-in-law and went to San Diego where we visited Legoland, Sea Life, the beach and San Diego Safari Park. It was a fantastic trip and a wonderful time of relaxation and fun. I think God knew we needed to rest up before we got hit with what was to come.

We got back just in time to celebrate Easter. We went to the Good Friday service and participated in our Easter pageant in the choir. It was a blessed time celebrating our Savior's death and resurrection, but in the middle of all this, things were happening.

The Saturday before Easter, my dad went to the hospital in a lot of pain with gallbladder issues. Seemed simple enough. Get him in, have the surgery, send him home, everything's back to normal. Or maybe not so much. My dad's gallbladder was basically rotting away which was causing the liver and pancreas to become infected. Several days in the hospital trying to get the enzyme levels under control while dad was in the most pain he's ever felt in his life followed. Finally he was able to have the surgery and we rejoiced thinking that he would be home soon. He was supposed to leave April 6th which was my parents 37th wedding anniversary, but the night before they did a CT scan and told him that he wouldn't be leaving anytime soon. Turns out that when a gall stone blocked the pancreatic duct, the enzymes did what enzymes do and they started digesting protein - only the protein they were digesting was his pancreas. Only about 30-40% of his pancreas remained healthy while the rest of it was dead. On top of that, he had a blood clot that they needed to watch. After 25 days in the hospital, my dad finally got to go home today. During all this, I have been visiting my dad in the hospital nearly every day, helping wherever I can, but mostly just keeping him company as he sat in that hospital room day after day.

On top of all this, before we went on vacation, my grandpa had gone to the hospital (at our insistence) about a large bruise on his stomach that he had from coughing. After several tests, they determined that it was simply a large bruise. However, the MRI showed something of concern. There was a mass on his kidney. They decided it was worth investigating further. While I was on vacation, I got a call from my grandma. It was cancer. The frustrating part of that diagnosis is all the questions that have no answers. There are steps that need to be done and no one seemed to be in a hurry to get through them. I suppose that's a good thing. They don't feel like it's a severe or urgent case. But when it's MY family member, it can't happen soon enough! So Grandpa went through the tests - heart tests, renal tests - and he finally has a surgery date. He will have his kidney removed on May 3rd - and we won't know what the next steps will be until the surgery is completed. 

Besides all this, there have been the normal things that fill up life - church, school, ballet, gymnastics, choir, etc. And the occasional special event to add to the busyness - a tea, meetings, practices, dentist appointments. And this is the time of year where life picks up pace a little bit anyway with end of the school year activities and getting ready for VBS (my sister and I co-direct our church's VBS). So my life has not been boring lately. 

I have been able to sneak in some writing. I'm getting close to finishing the Christmas novella for this year. My focus has not been on my book though and right now, much of my writing will be for VBS. But, progress has been made, and I'm grateful for that.

I would like you to pray for my family right now. It's been rough. I think we're all a little worn. I know that there are others worse off than we are, but it still isn't easy. We're thankful for so many things - thankful that my dad is home, thankful that he wasn't in much pain once the surgery was completed, thankful that Grandpa's cancer was found now and not later, thankful that things are progressing to have it taken care of - God has blessed us even in the midst of our storm. We're not out of it yet so continued prayers are very much appreciated right now. 

The Good News

This is my favorite holiday of the year. It's not as flashy as Christmas or as romantic as Valentine's Day, but Easter is the holiday with the most meaning for me. It's not about the eggs, the chocolate, the baskets or the new dresses (although I enjoy all those things). This holiday is all about the good news of Jesus.

When God created the world it was good - it was very good, but it didn't stay that way. Sin entered the world and death through sin. Ever since humanity has been plagued by illness, pain, violence, and death. We struggle to do what is right, but we want to do what is wrong and this battle affects every single person who has ever walked this earth - except one.

God gave humans a picture of what would eventually save us from our sins and reunite us with Him. He instated a sacrificial system, showing that the payment for sin was too high for anyone to pay. For centuries innocent lambs were killed, a foreshadow of what was to come.

Then one day, Jesus was born. He fulfilled prophecy in his birth and life. He was fully God and fully man. He alone was perfect though He was tempted in every way like we are. He came to fulfill the law, to save mankind, but there was only one way He could do that.

When the time was right, Jesus entered Jerusalem to the excitement of all who thought He was going to save them - from Rome. They wanted a political hero, not a spiritual Savior. In a matter of days they would turn on Him. He celebrated His final Passover on earth with his disciples (a celebration that pictured what was soon to occur), and one of His own sold Him out for thirty pieces of silver.

Jesus prayed that  God would remove the cup from Him. He experienced emotional, mental and physical agony as He struggled with what was to come, but when it came time to be arrested, He went willingly. His trial was unfair and yet He didn't say word. He was sentenced to death, and not just any death, death by crucifixion - a death so tortuous, so vile, so agonizing that there wasn't a word strong enough to describe the pain it inflicted. So they invented a new word - EXCRUCIATING. It was such a horrible way to die that it was reserved for only the worst of the worst, and Roman citizens were exempt from ever facing it.

Jesus was flogged, beaten in a way that would have shredded His back. Many people didn't even survive the beating that Jesus took because the loss of blood was so great. Then He was forced to carry His own cross to Calvary, only He was so weak from the beating that He couldn't do it. Instead, a man was pulled from the crowd to carry it for Him. He was hung on the cross with nails and each statement He uttered from the cross would have been done in agony since He was slowly, painfully suffocating to death. While He was on the cross, every sin that had ever been committed or ever would be was placed on Him and for the first time, Jesus was separated from God. That was the worst part of the entire thing for Jesus. He bore the weight of our sin even though He had never sinned. When it was finished, He laid down His life and died.

If the story ended there though, there would be no good news. No matter if Jesus was a good man, a good teacher, a prophet - none of it would matter if Sunday had never come. If Jesus was still in a grave, we would be lost forever. But He is no longer there! He is risen! And with His resurrection death lost all of it's power, sin was conquered once and for all, and humans and God could finally have their relationship restored.

The Good News is this:
Christ died, was buried and rose again - and He's coming again!

There's nothing better than that.

Hallelujah! He is risen indeed!

Slacking Off

I haven't written a blog post in almost a month. I also have not written much in the Christmas novella I'm currently writing. If you think that this mean that I've been slacking off - well, you'd be right. I can make excuses: I've been busy, my aunt was in town, I needed to clean my house - and they're all true, but the reality was that, for the first time, I just really didn't want to write anything.

It wasn't writer's block either. I knew where I wanted my story to go and how I was going to get it there. I just had no desire to sit down and do it. When I did try to write, I'd generally do it when there was a lot going on around me and use being unable to focus as an excuse to put the computer away.

There are two things that I think have been part of this. The first is that I'm writing a Christmas novella right now, which means that it technically doesn't need to be done until the end of the year. The second book of the Holliday Hotel series isn't coming out until next February giving me plenty of time (or so I think) to slack off and still get it done. It's a dangerous thing to have due dates that are so far away.

The second is that since I'm self published I don't have anyone setting deadlines or checking in on me. In some ways, that's really nice, but when I'm sort of struggling, I don't have any outside motivation to get it done. It all has to come from within. Not always very easy.

Yesterday I think I had a break through. I had about 45 minutes, and I decided that I needed to just sit down and write. So I did. Turns out that once I got back in a rhythm of writing, it starting flowing pretty easily, and once that time was up, I actually wanted to write more. Today, I sat down and wrote again. Thankfully, it was just as easy as yesterday, and I feel like maybe I'm getting back into the swing of things. Now I still had to tell myself not to pick up the craft that I'm working on and pick up my computer instead, but once I got into it, I was thankful that I had made the decision that I had.

I saw a quote by Anne Tyler that said, "If I waited till I felt like writing, I'd never write at all." I think I need to post that on my wall, my desk and my computer. Writing isn't always done because I feel like it. Sometimes it can be a chore and sometimes it can feel like work (gasp!) but I still  need to do it. It hasn't been a great writing month, but I think I've learned from it. Hopefully, that will help me develop further in my journey.

What is Love?

Valentine's Day is past. A day to celebrate love. As a romance author, and just someone who appreciates romance, I enjoy celebrating with my husband. I also enjoy the chance to tell my kids that I love them. It's an excuse to tell them something that I hope they already know.

In this world though, I think we've confused what love actually is. We love our family, love our jobs, love our coffee, love our pets, love our homes, love our clothes, love a celebrity - the list goes on and on. Honestly, we've watered down love to the point that people can't see what it really is. It's a feeling that can disappear as quickly as it started. It's passion that can fizzle out. It's whatever we want to make it because who is anyone else to tell you that it's not love.

Here is what love is.  "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7) This is more than romantic love. This is true love. It's a love that never, ever fails. I don't know about you, but sometimes I'm not patient with those I love. Sometimes I can be envious of someone I love. Sometimes (a lot of times) I can insist on my own way. And way too often I'm irritable. So this love cannot come from within myself. I don't have the capacity in me to love in this way. Fortunately, it doesn't have to. This love comes from God. This passage is a portrait of what true love looks like and it looks a lot like Jesus Christ. He was patient and kind with his followers. He didn't envy anyone because He was God, but He also didn't boast about His position. Instead He humbled Himself. He was never arrogant or rude. He didn't insist on His own way, but did the will of His Father. He bore all the sin of the world and endured the cross. That's true love. 

Humans tend to love people who love them in return, but God loved us when we were still His enemies, lost in our sin. Humans can stop loving others, but God's love never ends. Humans have a capacity for love, but God is love. Humans think that love is indulgent, but God knows that sometimes love is chastisement and discipline. Humans can love their things, their beliefs, their status more than people, but God knows that there is nothing more precious than a human soul. 

I don't know about you, but I want that love. As much as I love my husband, he isn't capable of giving me that kind of love. He's human and sometimes he won't demonstrate all those attributes. He may get impatient with me or irritable. He may even be rude or unkind at times. And I can't give him that perfect love any more than he can give it to me. We can only get that love from God. 

I want to demonstrate that love though. I want to love my family this way, my husband, my children. I want to love my neighbors, my church family, strangers with this kind of love. I even want to be able to love my enemies with this kind of love, because that's what Jesus called us to do. But I can't do it on my own. In Galatians chapter 5, love is the first virtue listed in the fruit of the Spirit. When I am close to Christ, and allowing the Spirit to work in my life, I can demonstrate this love. When I try to do it on my own, I will fail. I love Him, because He first loved me. When I love Him, His love can shine through my life. When His love shines through me, the world will notice, because it will be unlike anything they've ever known before. This is love.