Prayer

Have you ever felt like God was targeting a certain area of your life? Like everything you read, every sermon, every conversation leads to the same topic? That's where I am right now with prayer.

It started when I got a gift card for Christmas to Barnes & Noble. I was looking up books on my wish list and decided that one of my purchases would be Fervent by Priscilla Shirer. It had been on my list for a long time, and I thought it would be a good one to start the year reading. 

For the month of January, my church has been focusing on a series called "Habits" about different things we should make a habit of in the coming year. One of the topics being prayer, of course. 

Then our new Bible study started up. The study that was chosen is called When You Pray. Our leader has us paired randomly with a new prayer partner every week. We exchange numbers and text one another with prayers, requests, and encouragement throughout the week.

My principal started something new for our staff this year, too. She had all of us pick a verse for the year, then printed them out so that we could pray those verses for each other. In staff meeting, we take a some time to do it all together as well. 

This past Sunday, when I was looking up a verse to share on social media as I do every week, what verse should just happen to pop up? Luke 18:1, "And he told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart." 

I don't believe in coincidence. I believe that when things like this line up over and over and over again, that God is at work, guiding and directing my life. Obviously something that is weak in my life right now is prayer, and it's something that God wants me to grow in. 

Here are some things that I have become aware of:

- I often jump straight to my requests and don't take time to praise God.

- When I make an effort to praise God first, my heart settles and becomes less anxious as I'm reminded of the God who is listening to my prayer.

- It's easy to say that I will pray for others, and harder to follow through.

- Having a specific focus (a prayer partner for the week, a verse to pray for someone) helps me to take the time to pray for others.

- It can be convicting when I pray, and God uses that time to align my heart to His, and to make me aware of the sins and wrong attitudes that I have so that I can confess them and repent.

I know that God is faithful to finish the good work He began, and that He will continue to grow me in this area. It will be interesting to see where He leads this year.

 

Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko: https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-in-white-sweater-and-blue-denim-jeans-sitting-on-bed-5199759/

New Year, New Meh

 

Maybe the last couple of years have been too tough, or maybe last year ended on such a sour note that it already has effected the new year, but there wasn't a lot of joy for me heading into 2022. Usually the new year brings a certain amount of anticipation, hope that things will be better, or that things will fall into place. I experienced none of that with the changing of the calendar.

In fact, I probably entered this year with a healthy dose of skepticism, and whole lot of angst, and if I'm honest, in a state of depression. Nothing will change. It will only get worse. There is no hope. 

I didn't realize how hard the last couple of years had been on my mental health. After all, my family has been relatively healthy, our jobs were secure, we didn't have a lot of struggles that we witnessed around us, so who am I to complain? I'm blessed. How can I be stressed? Then I went to a trauma conference. They talked about how normally people experience stress daily and it's a little hill that quickly recedes. Someone who has experienced trauma has more of a spike when stress comes along and they are unable to recover easily, so they sit in this state of stress and depression until their body can regulate and go back to normal. As soon as I saw the graphic, I realized that I had been spiking over and over and over again the past two years. 

On top of that, the year ended in a way that absolutely plunged me into depression. My life will never be the same, and I don't know how to cope. While I'm the first person to say that there is no shame in seeking help, I'm the last person to admit that I need help. Instead I heap more guilt on myself. You're so blessed! How could you be so ungrateful? You should be able to fix this! What's wrong with you? If that weren't enough, I don't even know how to go about finding help. And that makes me even more depressed and more stressed because I have no idea where to even start and for goodness sake why can't I even do that right?

So, how did 2022 start? My classroom added a new student and it completely shifted the dynamic of my already chaotic class. On top of that, my husband started the year off sick for probably a week and a half to two weeks which left me frustrated (I'm a terrible nurse) and feeling very alone as we isolated to try to keep the rest of us well. And now, in spite of isolating, I'm sick, and back in isolation away from my entire family. My illness happened near my oldest child's 18th birthday so there's also a certain amount of guilt at 'ruining' what ought to have been a special event.  

And now you might be wondering why you're reading such a depressing post. Is there any light, any hope, any lesson to be learned in the middle of my mess? Of course there is.

I am slowly learning to ask for help. I am looking for counseling. I am working through some of the issues that hit so hard at the end of last year. In fact, it's no coincidence that my church's women's Bible study to start this year is Forgiving What You Can't Forget by Lysa Terkeurst. Yeah, God practically put neon lights around that one for me. 

I even have some goals for this year. I'm hoping to publish at least two more books this year - one more in the Holliday Hotel series and another Christmas novella. I heard of another publishing opportunity that I'm going to pursue. I don't know how that opportunity is going to go, but I'm praying. In my classroom, I am focusing on baby steps both academically and relationally. For my family, I am working on being a better wife and mother. I think I've let my moods challenge my relationship with my husband and children the last couple of years, and I want to repair what I can. 

Maybe I don't have a word for the year, a resolution, or a verse, but that doesn't mean I'll remain stagnant this year. God is working in me. He has me in a place where I need Him, a place where my weakness will demonstrate His strength. He is always faithful, always good, and He never, ever gives up on me. Everything I go through is an chance to grow, to become the masterpiece He sees when He looks at me.