New Year, New Meh

 

Maybe the last couple of years have been too tough, or maybe last year ended on such a sour note that it already has effected the new year, but there wasn't a lot of joy for me heading into 2022. Usually the new year brings a certain amount of anticipation, hope that things will be better, or that things will fall into place. I experienced none of that with the changing of the calendar.

In fact, I probably entered this year with a healthy dose of skepticism, and whole lot of angst, and if I'm honest, in a state of depression. Nothing will change. It will only get worse. There is no hope. 

I didn't realize how hard the last couple of years had been on my mental health. After all, my family has been relatively healthy, our jobs were secure, we didn't have a lot of struggles that we witnessed around us, so who am I to complain? I'm blessed. How can I be stressed? Then I went to a trauma conference. They talked about how normally people experience stress daily and it's a little hill that quickly recedes. Someone who has experienced trauma has more of a spike when stress comes along and they are unable to recover easily, so they sit in this state of stress and depression until their body can regulate and go back to normal. As soon as I saw the graphic, I realized that I had been spiking over and over and over again the past two years. 

On top of that, the year ended in a way that absolutely plunged me into depression. My life will never be the same, and I don't know how to cope. While I'm the first person to say that there is no shame in seeking help, I'm the last person to admit that I need help. Instead I heap more guilt on myself. You're so blessed! How could you be so ungrateful? You should be able to fix this! What's wrong with you? If that weren't enough, I don't even know how to go about finding help. And that makes me even more depressed and more stressed because I have no idea where to even start and for goodness sake why can't I even do that right?

So, how did 2022 start? My classroom added a new student and it completely shifted the dynamic of my already chaotic class. On top of that, my husband started the year off sick for probably a week and a half to two weeks which left me frustrated (I'm a terrible nurse) and feeling very alone as we isolated to try to keep the rest of us well. And now, in spite of isolating, I'm sick, and back in isolation away from my entire family. My illness happened near my oldest child's 18th birthday so there's also a certain amount of guilt at 'ruining' what ought to have been a special event.  

And now you might be wondering why you're reading such a depressing post. Is there any light, any hope, any lesson to be learned in the middle of my mess? Of course there is.

I am slowly learning to ask for help. I am looking for counseling. I am working through some of the issues that hit so hard at the end of last year. In fact, it's no coincidence that my church's women's Bible study to start this year is Forgiving What You Can't Forget by Lysa Terkeurst. Yeah, God practically put neon lights around that one for me. 

I even have some goals for this year. I'm hoping to publish at least two more books this year - one more in the Holliday Hotel series and another Christmas novella. I heard of another publishing opportunity that I'm going to pursue. I don't know how that opportunity is going to go, but I'm praying. In my classroom, I am focusing on baby steps both academically and relationally. For my family, I am working on being a better wife and mother. I think I've let my moods challenge my relationship with my husband and children the last couple of years, and I want to repair what I can. 

Maybe I don't have a word for the year, a resolution, or a verse, but that doesn't mean I'll remain stagnant this year. God is working in me. He has me in a place where I need Him, a place where my weakness will demonstrate His strength. He is always faithful, always good, and He never, ever gives up on me. Everything I go through is an chance to grow, to become the masterpiece He sees when He looks at me.

Back to School, Back to Stress

 It's only day 3 of the new school year. Only 3 days in and the exhaustion and stress are already kicking in. I woke up this morning with my brain chanting, "The first week is the hardest. The first month is the longest." 

And that is true. The first week is the hardest as we set the boundaries, get to know one another, figure out what fifth grade looks like. It's the hardest as I get used to waking up to an alarm every day once more. I'm a night owl and those mornings are tough!

August is the longest month because it is the only month without any holidays or breaks until May, and May always goes fast because you're trying to finish everything up before summer. Days stretch long without the anticipation of a long weekend or a break. 

Add to all that an energetic class that requires a firm, but loving, hand, and you get emotional exhaustion on top of the physical exhaustion. My mind is constantly surveying the situation, constantly analyzing whether an issue needs addressed or if I can let it go, constantly re-running through the day to decide if I could have done something better. Those are thoughts that don't turn off when you step out of the school at night. 

If it's only the third day and I feel this way, I'm going to have problems this year. I'm going to burn out, to possibly lash out. I can't continue in this pattern. What should I do?

First and foremost, pray! I started praying for this class before school even started. I always do, but in this case, I knew this was a more challenging class. I've known them since they were in kindergarten. They have been in my prayers for a long time. But I also need to pray for me. When I'm having trouble letting go of the day's events after work, I need to pray. When I don't know how to handle a situation, I need to pray. When I'm so unbelievably tired and stressed that I don't know how I'm going to get through the day, I need to pray. The Lord is where I will find peace, wisdom, and strength.

Second, I need to rely on my support. The school has many teachers who have had this class before and have some insights on what works well for them. The administration is supportive and a good place to brainstorm. There are countless teacher websites, books, and articles to help with ideas as well. It's not all on me! 

Even though I'm feeling rough today, that doesn't mean this year is going to be a disaster. What it does mean is that I'm relying too much on myself and not enough on God. I will always struggle when I'm attempting to do things in my own strength. God loves me and loves my class. He longs for us to lean on Him. When I am weak, He is strong.