Prayer

Have you ever felt like God was targeting a certain area of your life? Like everything you read, every sermon, every conversation leads to the same topic? That's where I am right now with prayer.

It started when I got a gift card for Christmas to Barnes & Noble. I was looking up books on my wish list and decided that one of my purchases would be Fervent by Priscilla Shirer. It had been on my list for a long time, and I thought it would be a good one to start the year reading. 

For the month of January, my church has been focusing on a series called "Habits" about different things we should make a habit of in the coming year. One of the topics being prayer, of course. 

Then our new Bible study started up. The study that was chosen is called When You Pray. Our leader has us paired randomly with a new prayer partner every week. We exchange numbers and text one another with prayers, requests, and encouragement throughout the week.

My principal started something new for our staff this year, too. She had all of us pick a verse for the year, then printed them out so that we could pray those verses for each other. In staff meeting, we take a some time to do it all together as well. 

This past Sunday, when I was looking up a verse to share on social media as I do every week, what verse should just happen to pop up? Luke 18:1, "And he told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart." 

I don't believe in coincidence. I believe that when things like this line up over and over and over again, that God is at work, guiding and directing my life. Obviously something that is weak in my life right now is prayer, and it's something that God wants me to grow in. 

Here are some things that I have become aware of:

- I often jump straight to my requests and don't take time to praise God.

- When I make an effort to praise God first, my heart settles and becomes less anxious as I'm reminded of the God who is listening to my prayer.

- It's easy to say that I will pray for others, and harder to follow through.

- Having a specific focus (a prayer partner for the week, a verse to pray for someone) helps me to take the time to pray for others.

- It can be convicting when I pray, and God uses that time to align my heart to His, and to make me aware of the sins and wrong attitudes that I have so that I can confess them and repent.

I know that God is faithful to finish the good work He began, and that He will continue to grow me in this area. It will be interesting to see where He leads this year.

 

Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko: https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-in-white-sweater-and-blue-denim-jeans-sitting-on-bed-5199759/

The Power of Music

 

Music has always had an important role in my life. My family's playlist is eclectic as we all enjoy a variety of music, but most important to me has always been worship music. The lyrical reminder of the promises of God, the praises extolling all of God's goodness and glory, the heart-rending surrender have always spoken to my heart and fixed my mind on Jesus. As I was healing from my depression, God used several songs to pull me out of the pit I was in and to fix my eyes on the truth. 

Look What You've Done by Tasha Layton

Look What You've Done by Tasha Layton became my anthem and is still one of my favorite songs today. It spoke to my heart in mighty ways when I was entrenched in lies of Satan telling me that I was useless, that I was unloved, that I was unworthy of God's love and sacrifice. In this song, Tasha Layton confronts lies like that head on with a reminder that God is working in us and through us, that His death and resurrection provide healing, and that God's truth has victory over Satan's lies. The line "You spoke Your truth into the lies I let my heart believe" brought me to tears as I realized that I had bought the lies and it was time to allow God's truth to expel those lies, to break new ground, and heal my wounds. In the process, I give God the glory saying, "Look what You've done, God, to bring about my healing, pulling me out of depression." 

See a Victory by Elevation Worship

I was on praise team when See a Victory hit me hard. We had sung the song many times in service and it hadn't really affected me. Through rehearsals, I hadn't had any problems at all. In the middle of service, the words became very real to me and I started to cry. I'll admit that a vain part of me hoped I wasn't ugly crying since services are recorded, but mostly I allowed myself to be overwhelmed by the lyrics. My victory over depression was because the battle belongs to the Lord. He is the only reason that I can triumph over the difficulties in life, and I'm thankful for His strength. The bridge hit hard as well. "You take what the enemy meant for evil, and You turn it for good." Satan tried to destroy me with lies. He tried to tear apart my family. He tried to make me question my value and worth. But God turned it for good. He brought me out of my depression and kept my family intact, even helping relationships to be stronger than before. Through my struggles, I can encourage others who are battling the same thing. I'm sure that there are many more ways that God is using this and will use it, and I'm so grateful that God can take such a horrible time in my life and make it into something good and valuable.

Overcomer by Mandisa

Not only is this song a powerful fight song, it's packed with truth. Overcomer reminds us that we can overcome the trials in this life, not through our strength, but because "the One who overcame death is living inside of you". It reminds me of 2 Corinthians 4:17-18. "For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." I know it doesn't seem 'light' and 'momentary' when we go through it. I struggled with my depression for about three years. It did not feel like a temporary and insignificant struggle, but it was working to prepare me for eternal things. In comparison with eternity, that stretch of time is just a blip on my timeline.

Not for a Moment by Meredith Andrews

When it felt like I was battling my depression all alone, God was still there. He didn't leave me ever! That's the promise of Not for a Moment by Meredith Andrews. We don't have 'feel' God to know He is there. We don't have to 'hear' Him to know He is here. God promised He would never forsake us, and He never leaves us even for a moment. It doesn't matter what our state of mind is, what we've done, God is there. "In my hurt, at my worst, when my world falls down, not for a moment will You forsake me."

I could probably pick hundreds of songs that God has used in my life, but I'll stop there. I'm so thankful that God created music for us. I'm thankful for the singers and songwriters who can express truth so eloquently. I'm so thankful that the Holy Spirit speaks to hearts in many ways, including through worship. In the darkness, in the struggles, God used music to bring power and strength to my life, to remind me of the truth of His love and presence in my life.

“Scripture quotations are from The ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.”

 

Photo by Pixabay: https://www.pexels.com/photo/printed-musical-note-page-164821/

Truth

    I think almost nothing good about myself. It's true. When you tell me something good about myself, I will most likely smile, thank you, and my brain will immediately contradict what you just said. This has been going on for a couple of years now and has become very deep rooted. But I never noticed it. 

    This summer it hit me that these are all of the negative things I think about myself are lies of Satan intended to keep me from being who God wants me to be. I didn't realize how bad it was until my husband said that he needed to be better about finding all the wonderful things about me and telling them to me. Immediately, I told myself, "There's nothing wonderful about you!" I couldn't believe how deep those lies had gotten.

    Satan is the father of lies. He will use any tactic he can to interfere with God's plans for our lives. For some, he might puff them up with arrogance while others he drives into the ground with self-doubt. 

    On the other hand, God is the source of all truth. He's the only One that I should allow to run roots into my heart and mind. Only then will I get an accurate picture of who I am.

    God created me fearfully and wonderfully. I am exactly who He designed me to be. (Psalms 139:13-14)

    God is working on me, and He will keep working on me until I am completed. (Philippians 1:6)

    I have direct access to God and can approach Him with boldness where He will always give me grace. (Hebrews 4:16)

    The Lord is my helper, so I can be confident and not fear. (Hebrews 13:6)

    The Lord is always with me. (Joshua 1:9)

    God's power is made perfect in my weakness, therefore I shouldn't be ashamed of them, but rather allow God to show His power through them. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

    God will renew my strength and bear me up when I feel weary. (Isaiah 40:31)

    I am blessed when I trust in the Lord and place my confidence in Him. (Jeremiah 17:7)

    I should not compare myself with others. (2 Corinthians 10:12)

    God places great value on me and knows everything about me. (Luke 12:7)

    Jesus bought me with His life. (1 Corinthians 6:20)

    God put a plan in place for my life. (Ephesians 2:10)

    My inner self is of great worth to God and is where true beauty lies. (1 Peter 3:3-4)

    God's faithfulness is new every morning - no matter how badly I mess up. (Lamentations 3:22-23)

    Because of God's great love for me, He saved me by grace through faith. (Ephesians 2:4-9)

    Unfortunately, it's not as easy as flipping a switch. I know these things, but I need to really believe them, lean into God, allow Him to transform my thoughts and heal me. Lies can be so damaging, but truth overcomes lies.  

 Photo by Magda Ehlers: https://www.pexels.com/photo/cutouts-of-letters-4116661/

New Year, New Meh

 

Maybe the last couple of years have been too tough, or maybe last year ended on such a sour note that it already has effected the new year, but there wasn't a lot of joy for me heading into 2022. Usually the new year brings a certain amount of anticipation, hope that things will be better, or that things will fall into place. I experienced none of that with the changing of the calendar.

In fact, I probably entered this year with a healthy dose of skepticism, and whole lot of angst, and if I'm honest, in a state of depression. Nothing will change. It will only get worse. There is no hope. 

I didn't realize how hard the last couple of years had been on my mental health. After all, my family has been relatively healthy, our jobs were secure, we didn't have a lot of struggles that we witnessed around us, so who am I to complain? I'm blessed. How can I be stressed? Then I went to a trauma conference. They talked about how normally people experience stress daily and it's a little hill that quickly recedes. Someone who has experienced trauma has more of a spike when stress comes along and they are unable to recover easily, so they sit in this state of stress and depression until their body can regulate and go back to normal. As soon as I saw the graphic, I realized that I had been spiking over and over and over again the past two years. 

On top of that, the year ended in a way that absolutely plunged me into depression. My life will never be the same, and I don't know how to cope. While I'm the first person to say that there is no shame in seeking help, I'm the last person to admit that I need help. Instead I heap more guilt on myself. You're so blessed! How could you be so ungrateful? You should be able to fix this! What's wrong with you? If that weren't enough, I don't even know how to go about finding help. And that makes me even more depressed and more stressed because I have no idea where to even start and for goodness sake why can't I even do that right?

So, how did 2022 start? My classroom added a new student and it completely shifted the dynamic of my already chaotic class. On top of that, my husband started the year off sick for probably a week and a half to two weeks which left me frustrated (I'm a terrible nurse) and feeling very alone as we isolated to try to keep the rest of us well. And now, in spite of isolating, I'm sick, and back in isolation away from my entire family. My illness happened near my oldest child's 18th birthday so there's also a certain amount of guilt at 'ruining' what ought to have been a special event.  

And now you might be wondering why you're reading such a depressing post. Is there any light, any hope, any lesson to be learned in the middle of my mess? Of course there is.

I am slowly learning to ask for help. I am looking for counseling. I am working through some of the issues that hit so hard at the end of last year. In fact, it's no coincidence that my church's women's Bible study to start this year is Forgiving What You Can't Forget by Lysa Terkeurst. Yeah, God practically put neon lights around that one for me. 

I even have some goals for this year. I'm hoping to publish at least two more books this year - one more in the Holliday Hotel series and another Christmas novella. I heard of another publishing opportunity that I'm going to pursue. I don't know how that opportunity is going to go, but I'm praying. In my classroom, I am focusing on baby steps both academically and relationally. For my family, I am working on being a better wife and mother. I think I've let my moods challenge my relationship with my husband and children the last couple of years, and I want to repair what I can. 

Maybe I don't have a word for the year, a resolution, or a verse, but that doesn't mean I'll remain stagnant this year. God is working in me. He has me in a place where I need Him, a place where my weakness will demonstrate His strength. He is always faithful, always good, and He never, ever gives up on me. Everything I go through is an chance to grow, to become the masterpiece He sees when He looks at me.