New Year, New Meh

 

Maybe the last couple of years have been too tough, or maybe last year ended on such a sour note that it already has effected the new year, but there wasn't a lot of joy for me heading into 2022. Usually the new year brings a certain amount of anticipation, hope that things will be better, or that things will fall into place. I experienced none of that with the changing of the calendar.

In fact, I probably entered this year with a healthy dose of skepticism, and whole lot of angst, and if I'm honest, in a state of depression. Nothing will change. It will only get worse. There is no hope. 

I didn't realize how hard the last couple of years had been on my mental health. After all, my family has been relatively healthy, our jobs were secure, we didn't have a lot of struggles that we witnessed around us, so who am I to complain? I'm blessed. How can I be stressed? Then I went to a trauma conference. They talked about how normally people experience stress daily and it's a little hill that quickly recedes. Someone who has experienced trauma has more of a spike when stress comes along and they are unable to recover easily, so they sit in this state of stress and depression until their body can regulate and go back to normal. As soon as I saw the graphic, I realized that I had been spiking over and over and over again the past two years. 

On top of that, the year ended in a way that absolutely plunged me into depression. My life will never be the same, and I don't know how to cope. While I'm the first person to say that there is no shame in seeking help, I'm the last person to admit that I need help. Instead I heap more guilt on myself. You're so blessed! How could you be so ungrateful? You should be able to fix this! What's wrong with you? If that weren't enough, I don't even know how to go about finding help. And that makes me even more depressed and more stressed because I have no idea where to even start and for goodness sake why can't I even do that right?

So, how did 2022 start? My classroom added a new student and it completely shifted the dynamic of my already chaotic class. On top of that, my husband started the year off sick for probably a week and a half to two weeks which left me frustrated (I'm a terrible nurse) and feeling very alone as we isolated to try to keep the rest of us well. And now, in spite of isolating, I'm sick, and back in isolation away from my entire family. My illness happened near my oldest child's 18th birthday so there's also a certain amount of guilt at 'ruining' what ought to have been a special event.  

And now you might be wondering why you're reading such a depressing post. Is there any light, any hope, any lesson to be learned in the middle of my mess? Of course there is.

I am slowly learning to ask for help. I am looking for counseling. I am working through some of the issues that hit so hard at the end of last year. In fact, it's no coincidence that my church's women's Bible study to start this year is Forgiving What You Can't Forget by Lysa Terkeurst. Yeah, God practically put neon lights around that one for me. 

I even have some goals for this year. I'm hoping to publish at least two more books this year - one more in the Holliday Hotel series and another Christmas novella. I heard of another publishing opportunity that I'm going to pursue. I don't know how that opportunity is going to go, but I'm praying. In my classroom, I am focusing on baby steps both academically and relationally. For my family, I am working on being a better wife and mother. I think I've let my moods challenge my relationship with my husband and children the last couple of years, and I want to repair what I can. 

Maybe I don't have a word for the year, a resolution, or a verse, but that doesn't mean I'll remain stagnant this year. God is working in me. He has me in a place where I need Him, a place where my weakness will demonstrate His strength. He is always faithful, always good, and He never, ever gives up on me. Everything I go through is an chance to grow, to become the masterpiece He sees when He looks at me.

Happy New Year Multi-Author Giveaway

 Happy New Year Readers!

We are so thankful for all your support

throughout the year!

To show you how much, I have partnered up with Celebrate Lit Publicity to do an amazing giveaway where you can win a spectacular prize of over 50+ books or a $500 Amazon gift card to buy books you love to build up that TBR pile!

Be sure to enter Celebrate Lit's 2nd Annual Happy New Year Readers Giveaway going on now through January 15!

Enter here: https://promosimple.com/ps/14293/2022-happy-new-year-multi-author

Born to Die

As I entered into the Christmas season, I knew that it would be easy for me lose sight of the wonder of the celebration. The story of Christmas is one that we hear every year. Being raised in the church, I've heard it every single year of my life, and likely multiple times in each year in different ways - through advent readings and devotionals, church services, performances, and even fiction books. So I prayed that this year God would make the story fresh for me, that He would let it hit me in a way that would bring my focus back to Him. He answered in a way that was completely unexpected (as He often does), and instead of focusing on the manger, turned my focus to the cross. 

There were two things that have stood out to me during this time. The first was the magnitude of His sacrifice. One of my co-workers was in charge of chapel this month and she turned the focus to the reason why Jesus came. Her point was that we have - in her words - 'frou-frouized' Christmas and made it all about the cute baby and animals and forgotten the purpose behind His birth. She showed a video that ended with scenes from The Passion of the Christ and restricted chapel to 3rd-8th grade because of a concern about how graphic the images were. (You can see it here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DmGfaEtVWvA) As I watched the images of a depiction of Jesus's sacrifice my eyes filled with tears. My mind went back to a book I read a while back that had a chapter about the scientific and historical details of crucifixion and how much reading those details affected me, because we have sanitized the crucifixion and our pictures of it are completely inaccurate. (If you haven't read The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel by the way, I highly recommend it.) Crucifixion was cruel, and a horrible way to die. It was so painful that there was not a word strong enough to describe the pain and they had to invent a word - excruciating! 

Even as this filled my mind though, the wonder of His willingness to go through all of that for me, for my sins, absolutely astounded me. When I got back to my classroom, I asked my 5th graders who would take the punishment for their siblings who had lied. Not a single one of them would. I told them that they weren't willing to take time out, or a grounding, or a spanking for their siblings, whom they love (in spite of any annoyances), yet Jesus took the death penalty for the sins of me, you, and everyone who has ever lived on this earth or will ever live on this earth while we were still His enemies. I'll tell you that this season I became very aware of how little I am willing to sacrifice myself even for those I love. I am not willing to take a punishment for somebody else's sins. We all hope that we would sacrifice ourselves in a noble cause if it arose - saving someone from a fire, or saving a child from being hit by a car, or being a war hero and protecting our fellow soldiers, but nobody would think it a noble death to die in place of a serial killer, or a rapist. Yet Jesus did that. He died for me, for my sins. 

Which led me to my second moment of wonder - how unworthy I am. I was saved when I was four years old. I've been in church my whole life. I was baptized at age nine. I've never had a huge rebellious period in my life, never committed 'big' sins. It's easy to think that dying for me wasn't that big of a deal, to even believe that maybe I was entitled to salvation. How arrogant! Yet while I was teaching I read this verse from Isaiah, "And I said: “Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts!” It hit me hard! When anyone stands in the presence of the Almighty God, the only possible reaction is a realization of how unworthy they are. And I stood there in front of my class with tears in my eyes recognizing how unworthy I am of the sacrifice that Jesus made for me! Because we have direct access to God through Jesus, because He has given us the right to be adopted in His family and the privilege of calling Him Abba, Father, we sometimes lose the wonder of God. We lose that awe and reverence and fear because we like to think of Him in human terms, but when we see Him as He really is, when we are aware of Who He is, there is only one response - woe is me! Because we are not worthy to stand in His presence, not worthy to be His children, not worthy of His sacrifice. There is absolutely nothing I have ever done that made me worth the cost of Jesus's sacrifice. And yet - He loved me enough to die for me even though I was not worthy.

And He loves you the same way. There is nothing that you can do that makes you worthy of God's love - not giving to the poor, not church attendance, not baptism, not good works, NOTHING! He did it all. His magnificent, horrendous sacrifice was the only thing that can redeem you. Do you believe that? This Christmas season can take on a whole new meaning for you as the time that you realized that though you are unworthy of the sacrifice, God gave His Son for you. It can be your adoption day! Let go of your life and give it to God! 

Merry Christmas! I pray that the wonder of the season washes over you in a new way this year.

“Scripture quotations are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by
permission. All rights reserved.”

Thankful for Our Readers Giveaway

 

Hello Readers!

We are so thankful for you and all your support!

To show you how much, I have partnered up with Celebrate Lit Publicity to do an amazing giveaway where you can win a spectacular prize of over 40 books or a $500 Amazon gift card to buy books you love to build up that TBR pile!

Be sure to enter Celebrate Lit's Thankful for our Readers Giveaway going on now through November 13.

Enter here: https://promosimple.com/ps/11e3d/2021-we-are-thankful-for-our-readers

Sneak Peek

A Groom for Christmas will available soon! While you wait, here is the first chapter for you to enjoy!

    She knew what he wanted before he even opened his mouth. Renay had spent so much time dodging Bryce Donaldson. It had been nothing but bad luck that had brought him back into her sphere. She had purchased a lot in a new development, built her house exactly the way she wanted it for her and her daughter, Aaliyah, only to have Bryce’s best friend, Drew, move in next door. What were the odds? In a large city like Tucson, Arizona, not very high. And yet here she was, acting as maid of honor at Drew’s wedding where, of course, Bryce was the best man. 

    Renay watched him as he approached her from across the back yard of Drew’s home. Behind Bryce, Amanda looked at her with concern, but Drew put his arm around his new wife and whispered something that made her relax. Her eyes flicked back to Bryce with his ‘I-own-the-world’ swagger, sun-bleached hair, and bright blue eyes. He was definitely good looking, but he knew it. There wasn’t any visible change from when she had met him all those years ago. 

    “Hi,” he said, leaning against the table that she was standing beside. “I couldn’t help but notice you.” 

    “Yeah, it’d be pretty difficult not to notice the tall black woman in the formal dress that you had to escort down the aisle.” 

    Bryce blinked, clearly thrown off his game, but his smile returned quickly. “You left out the most beautiful woman in the back yard.” 

    

    Renay stifled a sigh as she tried to avoid eye contact. “In my experience, the bride is always the most beautiful woman at a wedding – as it should be.” 

    Again, he seemed to be unsure how to proceed, but he wasn’t one to be easily discouraged. “You seem to be immune to men,” he chuckled as he loosened his tie. 

    “Not all men.” Her eyes slid over to him. “Just you.” 

    He straightened at that. “Now you shouldn’t believe everything Amanda tells you. She barely knows me.” 

    “Oh, I’m not taking Amanda’s word for it. It’s personal experience that has made me immune to the wonderful Bryce Donaldson.” Her eyes flashed and her lips tilted in pleasure as she finally got to lay into the man who had changed her life. 

    “Wait. We’ve met before?” He took a step backwards, clearly ready to make a hasty retreat. 

    “We sure have.” 

    Bryce tried to muster up his most charming smile, but there was fear in his eyes. “I’m sure you’re mistaken. After all, it would be hard to forget someone like you.” 

    “No, we definitely met. It was about fourteen years ago at a party on the University of Arizona campus.” 

    He let out a disbelieving chuckle. “That’s a long time ago to remember meeting me. I think I should be flattered.” 

    Her eyes narrowed. “No, you shouldn’t. By the way, have you met my daughter? She’s thirteen, and she’s Emily’s best friend.” 

    Bryce paled instantly. “I believe I have. Will you excuse me?” 

    She nearly laughed as she watched him escape. It hadn’t been her intent to bring Aaliyah into the conversation, but it wasn’t surprising that it had created that reaction. It had been exactly what she had imagined for the past thirteen years. 

    Amanda was watching her, so she moved towards the bride to ease her mind. 

    “What did you say to Bryce?” Amanda asked. 

    “You know how guys like that are. All I had to do was mention my daughter, and he was out of there.” Renay hugged her tightly. “Not all men are as wonderful as yours.” 

    “And not all men are as terrible as Aaliyah’s dad,” Amanda answered softly in her ear. “Don’t let one bad experience prevent you from finding real love.” 

    Amanda had no idea. “When I find my Drew I’ll know,” Renay said, pulling out of the embrace. 

    One of Drew’s twins ran up at that moment asking about cake and capturing Amanda’s attention. Renay was relieved to have the conversation end. 

    Watching the romance between Amanda and Drew had made her question some of her life choices. She had a beautiful and intelligent daughter, a successful career, and she was blessed to still have her mother in good health and nearby. Even so, some nights she felt loneliness creep in. 

    “Come on, Ms. Simmons! It’s time for the bouquet toss!” Emily tugged at her arm. Renay allowed herself to be pulled along, even though the last thing she wanted was to be selected for the next bride, especially after running into Bryce again. She obviously couldn’t trust her own judgement about men. 

    She stood with the rest of the single women. There weren’t many in the small back yard wedding. Drew’s mom, Aaliyah, Emily, and Renay made up the small group, and the only ones who seemed to be interested were the two young teens. 

    Renay folded her arms across her chest, but wouldn’t you know it, the dang bouquet smacked her square in the chest and fell at her feet. After a moment of uncertainty, Emily scooped it up with a cry of victory. Renay smiled at her obvious joy at getting the flowers. Someone should enjoy the prize. 

    When it was time for the garter toss, Renay was relieved that Bryce was missing altogether. Not surprising really. The last thing a playboy like him would want is to catch the garter in the hopes of marriage being on the horizon. 

    After the SUV pulled away with the newlyweds in it, Renay helped Drew and Amanda’s family clean up. Then she pried her daughter away from her best friend to go home. The walk next door was short, but her feet ached from wearing heels all day. At five feet nine inches, she didn’t often wear the torture devices, and when she did, she would usually bring additional shoes to change into. Knowing that Bryce would be there, she hadn’t brought any extra shoes, and she didn’t even want to understand the psychology behind that decision. It was surely another example of why she was better off on her own. 

    “It was a pretty wedding, wasn’t it, Mom?” Aaliyah sighed as she flopped onto the couch. “I can’t wait to plan my own wedding.” 

    “Let’s not be in too big of a hurry!” She ran her hand lightly over her daughter’s braided hair. Looking at her sweet face, she realized that her little girl was vanishing and being replaced by a young lady. 

    “Oh, Mom!” Aaliyah rolled her eyes, but smiled. Renay sat next to her, and her daughter sat up and leaned into her side. “Maybe I can help you plan your wedding!” She slid her gaze up to her mom’s face with a mischievous smile. 

    “Ha, ha. That will never happen.” 

    Aaliyah sat up. “But why not? You’re beautiful, smart, and successful! Any guy would be lucky to have you.” 

    “Unfortunately, he’s going to have to be someone pretty special for me to bring into our lives, because I don’t have only me to think about. He’s got to be someone who would be a good father as well as a good husband.” She pulled her daughter in tightly. “Maybe one day it could happen, but it’s not my priority, Baby Girl.” 

    Aaliyah sighed and stood up. She started walking towards her bedroom, but her gait was a little too casual for Renay’s liking. “I don’t know. Getting married wasn’t Mr. Gordan’s priority either, but Violet prayed for a mom, and God gave them Amanda.” She flashed a smile over her shoulder. “It might be time for me to start having a longer prayer time.” 

    Renay chucked a throw pillow at her daughter, but it bounced off the wall as she turned the corner of the hall, giggling all the way to her room.

Back to School Giveaway

 Hello Readers!

Kids are heading back to school and  the weather is turning cooler which means there is more time for readings!

I have partnered up with Celebrate Lit Publicity to do an amazing giveaway where you can win a spectacular prize of over 40 books or a $500 Amazon gift card to buy books you love to build up that TBR pile!

Be sure to enter Celebrate Lit's Back to School Multi-Author Giveaway going on now through September 18.

Enter here: https://promosimple.com/ps/112d2/3rd-annual-back-to-school-multi-author

Self-Imposed Deadlines

    Being a self-published author, I get to set my own deadlines. This can be both wonderful and terrible. The wonderful part is that I can make that deadline be anything I want it to be, and if I don't get it done in time I don't have anyone to yell at me. I'm not letting anyone down except myself. The problem is that I might hit more of those deadlines if I actually had the pressure from others. I might make it more of a priority, and not have to stress about whether or not the book is going to be published in a decent time frame.

    For example, most Christmas novellas get published in October. That's about the time people start thinking about reading Christmas stories. If you do it earlier, people aren't ready for it, later and they've already bought the ones they are interested in. It's kind of a magic window. 

    I got a late start on this year's book because Independence Hall came out in July, and I was working on that right up to my self-imposed deadline - again. My deadline for the Christmas novella was the end of August to give my editors a month to read through it, and maybe I could release it by mid-October. I did not finish by my self-imposed deadline, which isn't a big surprise. I did finish it soon after though. The problem is that I now need to do my read through before I send it to my editors which pushes everything back a little further. I'm still hoping that it will be released in October, but it now might be later in the month than I would like.

    My next deadline that I've set for myself is to finish the seventh book in the Holliday Hotel series by next August so that it can release October 2022. That gives me nearly a year to complete it. I'm not sure what that means for a Christmas novella for next year. It seems weird to release two books in one month. I'll keep you updated as I figure out what will happen. In the meantime, I'm beyond thankful for your support and patience with me as I navigate through this journey. Now that I'm back to work full-time, it's more difficult for me to find time to write, but as long as I have stories in mind, I'm going to keep writing.

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