The End and a Beginnning

Have you ever noticed how often the end of something begins something else? Today is the end of the school year for my kids, which means it's the beginning of summer vacation. My youngest is finishing preschool which will lead to the start of her elementary school life. My oldest nephew is graduating from high school and will begin college in the fall.

So many things in life end, but start something new and wonderful. When I ended being single, I started my life as a wife. When I became a stay-at-home mom, I ended my work life (at least for a while). That decision led to my being able to have time to sit and write. And that led to me publishing my work on Kindle. And that led me to join American Christian Fiction Writers. And who knows where that will lead? Even each book I write ends, but leads to the next one. Each task I finish leads to another. Each ministry that God moves me from opens me up for another one.

I don't know about you, but I am not someone who looks forward to change. I hesitate. I drag my feet. I'm scared. I don't want to leave behind what is comfortable for the frightening unpredictability of the unknown. Yet when I look back I can see all the wonderful things that God has granted me that wouldn't be possible if something else hadn't ended.

I'm sitting on the brink right now. My husband and I have decided that it's time to for me to pay for a publishing package and put KW Consulting into print. We have the resources for the first time since I began writing. It's time for me to take the next step.

But that next step looks mighty big. I can't see beyond it. What if I can't climb that step? What if I get up there, but fall backwards? I could get hurt.

Then again, what if that step leads to another? What if moving forward in faith is the answer to my prayers about my writing? I could sit here and keep doing what I've been doing - and that will get me the same results I've always gotten. Or I could follow this new path and trust that God is going to guide me and take care of the results.

Why do I assume that when life is changing that it's going to be bad? What I'm really saying is that I don't trust God with my life, my career. I'm telling Him that I want control. I ask for His leading, and then sit where I'm at wondering why He doesn't answer when all the time the path is right there in front of me waiting for me to take that first step.

When you look through Scripture, God was undeniably present when He asked His people to step out in faith. Joshua walked around Jericho, but God brought down the walls. David had his sling, but God defeated Goliath. Daniel stayed faithful, but God closed the mouths of the lions. Peter climbed out of the boat, but God kept him from sinking. Esther went before the king to plead for the lives of her people, but God prepared the way. Over and over again we see that when God's people take the road that He has placed before them, His presence is there and miracles happen.

What is God placing in front of you that seems just too scary? Is something ending that you want to continue, and you are gripping it with both hands until your knuckles are white? Let it go. Let God take your hand and lead you to the next thing for you. Are you standing at the beginning of some journey, and you are too afraid to take that first step? Move forward and watch God take care of the things that you can't. If it is truly where He is leading, He will be there.

Comparing: Mother's Day Edition

Last fall I wrote a blog about making comparisons. A couple months ago, I did a devotion in my women's Bible study on the same topic. Apparently, God's not done with this topic yet. I fall into making comparisons so easily. I know from the feedback I've gotten from other women, that they have the same struggles. The one that hurts me the most is watching women criticize each other about the choices they make as a mother.

From the day you find out that your expecting a baby, life is filled with choices for that child. During pregnancy it's: what should I eat? What should I avoid? Can I exercise? Can I exercise too much? Which hospital? Which doctor? What about pain medication? Home birth? Midwife? Is this normal? The amount of information is overwhelming, too. Books, blogs, articles, friends, family - everyone has an opinion and sometimes it feels like no two are the same.

When the baby is born, there are new questions. Breast or bottle? Should I go back to work or stay home? What about co-sleeping? Vaccinations? And it doesn't stop as the child grows. Organic food? Fast food? Both? Is that possible? What about schooling? Home school? Private school? Public school? What about extracurricular activities? How many should I have them involved in? Which ones are the best for promoting health or intelligence or both? Honestly, it's enough to drive a woman insane.

We are inundated with information. We read, we ask, we think, we pray - and ultimately we make a decision about what we think is right for our family. We develop opinions that we deeply believe in. Then we look at other moms and *gasp* they aren't doing things exactly like we are! How could they choose any differently? After all, we've done the research. We prayed about the decision. Don't they know that they will ruin their children's lives if they do it that way?

The bottom line is this. Most moms want what is best for their families. Most moms are doing the best they can day in and day out.Most moms simply want their children to be healthy and happy, and they are doing what they can to achieve that goal. Yes, they've probably done the research, too, but they have a different background, a different perspective - a different child, and that led them to a different conclusion.

When my first child was born, I started as an on-demand feeder. I fed her whenever she seemed hungry, yet when I took her in for her doctor's appointment, she wasn't gaining weight. My family for some reason has difficulty producing breast milk. I never had a surplus. I never had the ability to pump and have stored milk in the fridge. The doctor told me that she was grazing and by doing that she wasn't allowing my milk to come in fully and therefore she wasn't getting the best nutrition. She advised that I wait at least two hours between feedings. So I did, and my baby was healthier after I became a timed feeder. Yet, I know that were moms who felt I was terrible for making my baby wait. They'd hear me tell her that it wasn't time yet, and they'd give me looks of disgust. What a horrible mother! They didn't understand my history, my situation. I was just trying to do what was best for my child - just like they were.

My friend once loaned me a book called, Help! I'm Being Intimidated by the Proverbs 31 Woman! by Nancy Kennedy. In it, she decides to become the Proverbs 31 woman one verse at a time - with hilarious results. The end result is that we all are trying so hard to be the wife, the mother, the woman we know we need to be, and God gives us grace for the mistakes we're bound to make. What did the "virtuous woman" do? She took care of her husband, fed her family, worked, tended to her family's needs, supported her husband, gave to the needy, prepared for the future, feared the Lord. Isn't that what we're all trying to do? If God can give us grace as we struggle through this life, can't we offer grace to one another?

A Timely Bible Study

Sometimes it "just so happens" that you start a Bible study that seems to have been written specifically for you to help with the particular time of life you are in. Those are the moments that I stand amazed that God cares enough about me to orchestrate even such a small detail of my life. I took an Old Testament class in college (I always forget if it was in Ruth or Esther), but my teacher said that the phrasing in the Hebrew is like saying, "Now it just so happened that it just so happened . . ." meaning obviously that it didn't "just so happen", but had been arranged by God. Those instances where I can clearly see God arranging for things to happen just blow my mind.

In my church we have a large women's Bible study group that meets from September until November and then January until March or April. Then there are Bible studies offered during the summer, but they are usually much smaller groups since people are on vacation or busy with other ministries or some other reason. This year we finished in March and then in April they began to study Jonah by Priscilla Shirer. My sister asked me if I was going to do it and I decided to go ahead (although it sneaked up on me and I was not mentally prepared for the first week). I am so glad I decided to do this study. I didn't know how badly I needed it.

She starts off by talking about the "interrupted life" - those times where everything is going just fine, but then all of a sudden something happens and you now have something to handle that you didn't see coming. Jonah was a prophet to Israel and he was comfortable with his life there. Then God decides to send him to Ninevah.

My life was going just fine. Then my dad and my grandpa came down with health problems - severe health problems. I already talked about what happened to both of them in my last blog, so I won't restate it now, but it hit me out of nowhere. And the timing was certainly not what I would have picked. I'm getting ready for VBS. The kids have a million end of year activities. Life is too busy, too complicated already. Yet, here we are.

How do I deal with these interruptions? Do I run away? Pretend they aren't there? Trudge forward, but grumble to myself? Or do I lean on God and follow where He leads? Honestly, I always wish I could just tuck my head in my shell and wait for the storm to pass, but that's not practical. At times, I've outwardly obeyed, but inwardly I'm grumbling and complaining. And when I do go forward how often do I pull back against where God is leading, because of fear? Much too often, I'm afraid.

In the lesson I worked on yesterday, she talked about how in chapter 3 when Jonah is sent to Ninevah the second time, God didn't lay everything out in front of Jonah. He was told to go, and then wait for what God would tell him later. I so badly want to know everything before I step forward in obedience. It hit me that if I had known what we were going to be going through in this season of life, it would have been overwhelming. It would have been so discouraging to get all that information at once. Instead, God let us only know what was necessary at the time.

In my journey as a writer I can see where this happens, too. If I had known that after writing six books, I would still be unpublished (self-published), I'm not sure I would have even begun. Last month, I sold one book - one - the whole month! It can feel like I'm working hard, but going nowhere. Yet, I know that God has put these stories on my mind and the opportunity to pursue writing. It just doesn't happen in my time. To be honest, it may never look like what I picture it being. But God only gives me a little bit at a time and asks that I follow Him in faith that He has a plan for me.

Right now, that plan has included a new chapter. I joined the American Christian Fiction Writers. It's a group where published writers and unpublished writers come alongside one another to teach and encourage each other. I've joined an email loop of courses to learn more about writing and publishing. This month I'm learning about using Facebook, a course I desperately need. I'm looking forward to seeing where this leads me.

Another possible step that I've been discussing with my husband is publishing the KW Consulting series as an anthology in print! That would be huge! I have to admit, that step sort of scares me, but it might be an option now where it never was before.

God is guiding and directing, and though I only get to see small bits and pieces of the big picture, I'm excited to see where He is leading. I know that wherever He leads is where I'm supposed to be.

** An update for those of you who have been praying for my family, my dad is doing very well. He will have a CT scan sometime next week to see how things are looking internally. My grandpa had his surgery today and the cancer was contained to the kidney and they don't expect complications. Please pray for his recovery. We still don't know long term what we will be looking at.